Dearest little brother
by Strawberrygold
Summary: Susan loved her little brother, truly. From his birth to his death.


**Dearest little brother.**

Susan is two years old and her new brother won't stop crying. She doesn't understand why he's upset all the time and she wants him to stop. When her mum had told her that she was going to get another sibling Susan had been excited. While Peter was fun to play with, he always wanted to decide what game they would play and Susan never got to play the games she wanted to. Perhaps her new sibling would want to play Susan's games. Oh, what if she got a sister. But no, Susan got a tiny, dark haired, pink little brother who just slept and screamed.

"He's no fun!" Susan complained. But her mother just smiled.

"Don't worry, in a couple of years you'll be playing all the time."

Susan is seven years old and Edmund is missing. They were playing hide-and-seek down and she couldn't find her brother. She had looked at all the usual spots at the park but no sign of him. It's been almost twenty minutes and Susan was on the verge of tears. What if Edmund had died? What would their mother say? Susan rubbed some tears from her eyes and continued looking.

When Edmund had been missing for over an hour Susan went home with tears running down her eyes. She called for her mother the moment she got home and heard a faint call from the living room. Susan slowly walked towards it. Her mother looked up from her book and frowned.  
"What's wrong, honey?"

But Susan didn't hear. Because sitting next to Lucy on the floor was Edmund. He was smiling sheepishly at her.

"Where did you go?" Susan screeched at him. "I looked for you over an hour!"

"I was bored. You didn't find me so I went home" he replied causally.

Susan didn't speak to him for a week.

Susan is thirteen and waving goodbye to her mother. She waved for as long as she could and tried not to think if this is the last time she would see her. But then the train rounds a corner and their mother is gone. Edmund immediately leaves the window and sits and sulk in the train compartment. Susan shares look with Peter who's holding a sniffling Lucy and she goes to sit with Edmund. He turns away from her. Susan puts a reassuring hand on his shoulder.

"We'll see her soon, don't worry. We will be back before you know it."

Edmund shook her hand of his shoulder.

"I don't need you to comfort me, I'm not a child" he said exasperated. "You're not mom!"

"Edmund" Peter barked. "Stop it!" Susan sees how Edmund flinches slightly at Peter's raised voice and she gives Peter a look.

"Ed, look at me" she pleads and strokes his hair. He's still for a moment before he shakes his head and moves away.

"Don't touch me!" Susan has to admit that that hurt. She sighs and meets Peter's look. Lucy is still crying so Susan goes over to comfort her, leaving Edmund alone.

Susan is twenty years old and she's studying the stars with Edmund. They climbed up from Edmund's balcony to the roof. They are lying on a blanket and Susan felt at peace. They used to this once a week. One night they would meet after midnight and lie and gaze at the stars for some time. Sometimes they would talk for hours about the future, the past, Narnia, England, their responsibilities. Sometimes they lay in silence and parted only with an embrace when the morning came.

Susan loved these nights, the feeling of her brother safe beside her and the night sky filled with stars above her. She felt Edmund's gaze on her and she met his brown eyes. He smiled at her and her heart ached.

"I love you, Ed" He laughed.

"I love you too, Su. But I was hoping that we tonight could sneak down to the kitchen. I heard there was some cake left." Susan laughed.

"Chocolate cake?"

"You know me so well."

Susan is 16 and she is banished from her home. She had expected the pain to slowly fade but no luck yet. It still hurt as much as it had on that day she left. But today it was worse than usual.

Lucy and Edmund had come home from their aunt and uncle with some news. They had been back in Narnia and now they were banished. They didn't seem too bothered with it though, Lucy's eyes shone with excitement when she told them about their adventures. Edmund added some parts to the story with a smile on his face. None of them noticed the pain in their older siblings eyes. Peter was smiling but his tight grip on his tea cup gave him away. Susan was biting her tongue through out the entire story and tried to stop her hands from shaking.

Several hours later she was now seated in her armchair, drinking some tea. Edmund appeared, he also with some tea, and he sat down beside her. Susan smiled at her brother.

"How are you, Su?" he asked carefully and almost knowingly and it filled Susan with anger because how dare he even think that he knows how it feels. He have no idea how it feels to always be in pain, always be wondering what you did wrong.

"I'm fine" she replied stiffly. Edmund's face fell.

"He asked about you, you know. Caspian." Susan heart suddenly hurt. She turned away from him.

"Peter told me that you never talk about him, Su, or Narnia. Can't you talk to me?" he pleaded. Susan felt tears burn in her eyes. She took a deep breath and said causally.

"Talk to you about what? Are we going to pretend that we're in a magical country too? And that I'm in love with some fantasy prince? No thank you, Ed. Good night."

She put down her tea cup and hurried out of the room, not looking back for she wouldn't be able to handle the pain in her brother's eyes. She cried herself to sleep.

Susan is twenty one and her entire family is dead. The phone call just ended. " _It was an accident...I'm so sorry for your loss."_

Susan could breath but her siblings couldn't. Susan was alive but her parents were dead. She screamed. Susan kept screaming while she trashed the room. She needed to punch something, she needed to hurt something. She screamed until she lost her voice and then she cried until her entire body hurt and she couldn't breathe. But she didn't die. She was still alive and she deserved all the pain she was feeling. What had been her last words to them? She couldn't even remember because she never talked to her sibling nowadays. And she never would again. Susan took a deep breath and stood up. She had to do something. She rushed up to her room and looked through all her things. She didn't know what she was looking for. Something that proved that the man on the phone had been wrong. It wasn't her family that had been on the train today. Something they had left behind. A train ticket, a bag, a note. A note. There was one on her bed. She fell to her knees and didn't dare to move.

"Please" she whimpered. "Please, please, please." Susan crawled over to the bed and took the note in her hands. The text was a blurry mess. Susan rubbed her eyes and read the note.

 _"Susan, we're going away for a while but we'll be back soon, don't worry. I'm sorry we couldn't say goodbye but you weren't at home, as usual. Peter is calling for me. I have to go._

 _-Edmund_

 _PS. I took the last chocolate cake._

Susan clutched the note to her chest and cried.


End file.
